Its ok

The sound of a phone ringing is my first trigger ,

The smell of Axe body spray makes me nauseas , it tickles my fucking memories

Memories I wish to store away in the ‘back’ ,

The back , a place all memories which make my heart ache I psuh them there ,

It’s sorta a defence mechanism

A strategy, a tool used by man to be selfish

When being selfless has broken you ,

She told me “be selfish for your own emotions and realise that you should be the most important thing” ,

She sees the tears needing to spill , she loves me ,

And I need to love me ,

I need to be selfish for me

Selfish – this is a necessity, to take to progress in your own life.

Fucked up . But necessary

I just want peace ,

Not for me yet peace for everyone

His heart hurts , his a welted flower

But being someone’s sponge, their enabler does them more damage then growth

Yet detaching feels as if my heart is in my ears

As if I have rivers behind my eyes

I need to try ,

Try and be selfish

I need to decide that , I’m as important as trying to fix the world ,

I just have to try

And it’s ok

It’s ok to cry ,

To cry that he heals,

To wish that he would find peace

To shout , get angry , swear

It’s ok not to always smile

It’s ok to let go for your own growth

Yet the soft cotton socks remind me ,

That he was there when no one else was ,

But it’s ok to not always be ok

I’ll be ok

It’s ok

Its ok

The sound of a phone ringing is my first trigger ,

The smell of Axe body spray makes me nauseas , it tickles my fucking memories

Memories I wish to store away in the ‘back’ ,

The back , a place all memories which make my heart ache I psuh them there ,

It’s sorta a defence mechanism

A strategy, a tool used by man to be selfish

When being selfless has broken you ,

She told me “be selfish for your own emotions and realise that you should be the most important thing” ,

She sees the tears needing to spill , she loves me ,

And I need to love me ,

I need to be selfish for me

Selfish – this is a necessity, to take to progress in your own life.

Fucked up . But necessary

I just want peace ,

Not for me yet peace for everyone

His heart hurts , his a welted flower

But being someone’s sponge, their enabler does them more damage then growth

Yet detaching feels as if my heart is in my ears

As if I have rivers behind my eyes

I need to try ,

Try and be selfish

I need to decide that , I’m as important as trying to fix the world ,

I just have to try

And it’s ok

It’s ok to cry ,

To cry that he heals,

To wish that he would find peace

To shout , get angry , swear

It’s ok not to always smile

It’s ok to let go for your own growth

Yet the soft cotton socks remind me ,

That he was there when no one else was ,

But it’s ok to not always be ok

I’ll be ok

It’s ok

breathe

i sat . Alone. Hahaha alone.

A word so simple yet holds so much significance to me.

my head , lowered looking at the loose laces on my sneakers. the buses floor sticky. either some cool drink stained weeks old.

naturally my legs bounced. ugh why today anxiety. i thought we had an agreement , you’d only show up once in a month.

my anxiety and I have a sorta fucked up threesome.

yet she does this fun thing where she fucks me up a little more.

eyes at the side of face as i walked. many smiles. ”

“how many are genuine she chanted.”

i laughed inwardily at the thought of this being a good day.

it started with my mantra , that I am enough , i am beautiful , today is a good day. a bird decided to unload a reasonable dump on my arm. “goodluck my ass”. more like a direct pathway into an isolated bus trip.

earphones lodged . eyes closed.

the universe had it in for me. yet i did the one thing necessary to keep me from breaking.

i breathed. i sighed , i looked forward.

today might not have been my prime day.

but in the spirit of “trying”, as my horscope beckoned to me.

i looked at the fog path ahead of me , “thank god for setting spray” she chanted.

walking that path way felt as if needles. ice needles pierced my skin.

while the water vapour absorbed into my hair creating a layer of water due.

i looked at the buildings ahead knowing, one thing i would do everyday. even if it kills me. i needed to try.

try – to make an attempt , e.g “you can do it if you try“.

my definition of try – try to smile more genuinely, laugh more whole holsum , open up more , allow myself to explore.

its not a want to try , it’s a need.

isolation is a drug, that one never wanted to do.

we become so comfortable with the idea of having our own , and that if I have me I’m “ok” , if I got me I’m good.

being alone is something I’ve become to enjoy.

i know it’s not healthy , but it’s my defence mechanism.

cause if no one knows me , i won’t get hurt.

i wanna try , i wanna.

i just gotta figure out how.

for now I’ll breathe.